Thursday, May 26, 2011

Back to Retreat

My last post was on October 8, 2010. Back to Reflecting was not meant to be the last time I wrote for months on end, but the apartment seemed finished. Pieces in my life that had fallen out of place all seemed to be fitting together again. An arrogance sets in when you have the components you're expected to have. Back to A had moved on to B, and a space that gave me strength and insight now left me oddly uncomfortable. Lost and insecure? Paintbrushes and wallpaper? Hardly. Perfect apartment, job, boyfriend, life? Yes, that was me. New puppy, too. Luigi Maestro. (Harold sits as far away as possible. But that's a different story for another day).

On to B. Back on the Fast Lane.

I have always believed that everything you have ever wanted to know is right in front of you. Sometimes, we just don't see.  B is also for blindness. The most important rule I learned from chess is that the worst mistakes come when you follow the mindset that success only stems from moving forward.

It makes you move a knight forward so your opponent won't know that it was a dumb decision in the first place. So you save face and push forward. To retreat is to admit a mistake. To waste an entire move on going back to where you were in the first place seems unbearable. To announce once again that you have no idea what you are doing is. . . embarrassing. So we plunge onward.

But nobody is really looking. And before you know it, it's checkmate. Much better to admit to a wrong turn. Call it out when it's not working. It's not about stumbling forward blindly to impress an invisible audience.

Really, it's just you. Has been all along, and will be till it's lights out. B is also for backward, and after a long time, I zeroed in on my seemingly perfect yellow lampshades, and realized I kinda hated them. The base is gorgeous and under $100 from The Door Store but the lampshades were a quick decision and I never really liked them.

Back to A, again. Weathered, but wiser. Hello, it's me again.  A Do Over isn't a mess up. It's more about Paul Giamatti in a movie I dig a lot even though I know it isn't very good. I'm talking about that kind of do over.

Luigi (Louhizzles moving foward) came with me to the lampshade store. He's a Decorator-in-Training and I wanted to show him Lexington Lampshades.  He loved it.

But I'm not taking it easy on him. Growing pains are called growing pains for a reason. Sometimes life asks you to make a decision. Experts (Harold in this case) are not always available. Pick a lampshade, Louhizzles. It's time to make a change. Change is serious. Retreats require serious reflection.

And extreme courage. Anyone can celebrate a victory. Only true ballers can backtrack and redirect. Louhizzles comprehended the gravity of the situation immediately.

His choice was bold. Unexpected. Tasteful. Original. Back to A for the lamps. . . but not for long.

And. . . Tah-dah!

The candle is from the most perfect flower shop in the world - it's called Mayan Tuberose and it's my favorite scent of all time. It infuses your home in magic. 

As for the lampshades?

I looked around the room and realized it was just me. I don't think anyone's life was permanently altered by my change. But they make me happy. I'm Back to A, which is really my favorite place to be.

The story is never really over if you are a dreamer and a creator and a thinker. Start over as many times as it takes. Get the house, the job, the life and the love of your life.

Want. It. All.

I tell a lot of people I don't believe because it's easier than explaining how much I do. Nobody will ever care as much as you do, and time is never wasted. Retreats just bring you one step closer to the perfect direction.

Beginnings are scary and wonderful and beautiful and for the brave few who merit only their personal happiness as the ultimate litmus test.

I still haven't found what I'm looking for. But I will.  It's somewhere here.  I just don't see it yet.

As long as we live in a world where there are grandmasters like Bruce and Bono, there is always hope. Jersey Girl forever.

Back to who I'll always be. 


J tupper said...

I love this " Beginnings are scary and wonderful and beautiful and for the brave few who merit only their personal happiness as the ultimate litmus test."
Well said. I think I like Beginnings more than endings... At least so far.


Anonymous said...

That's a nice musing. And you have a lovely home. All the best.

Jennifer Grossman said...

Anisha: Amazing post! Hit home...nothin' more to say. Keep on keepin on, darling. Would love to catch up soon.

Jennifer Grossman

Anisha Ahooja said...

Thank you, Justin. That was so nice. And hi Jennifer. . . miss you!

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